October 7, 2006

5 years ago today my life dramatically changed. I honestly can't even believe it's already been 5 years.

I was on a double date and had left my phone in the car. While I was inside playing pool I got sick to my stomach. It wasn't a feeling I've ever had before. I sat down, chopping it up to something I ate. We left shortly afterwards. We got in the car and I checked my phone. I had a whole bunch of missed calls, voice mails and text messages saying to call my sister Kristel back, it was an emergency. They had even gotten my dates phone number and tried calling him to get a hold of me. I instantly knew where that sick feeling in my stomach was coming from. Something wasn't right. I immediately called Kristel back and she answered the phone crying. I had a hard time hearing her, but when I heard the words come out of her mouth I didn't believe them "Mom and dad were in a car accident and mom didn't make it." Was this some kind of joke? If so, it wasn't funny and really mean.

It wasn't a joke.

I instantly started crying. My date took me back to my apartment so I could pack a bag. We were going down to Vegas to see my dad who was life lighted down to the hospital there. I was to meet my family at a near by gas station so they could pick me up on the way.
When I was younger I use to imagine how I would react if/when I received the horrible news that someone in my family had died. I know sounds morbid, but I was always curious because I've never been super emotional. So I wondered if I would cry or not. Looking back now I know thats a stupid thing to think. Of course I would cry, and boy did I. I'm glad I was not the one driving the car. I probably would have gotten in another wreck.
When I got to my apartment my roommate Cierra and our friend Jessica were there waiting for me. From the looks of them I knew I wouldn't have to tell them, they already knew. My family had called them trying to get a hold of me. They helped me pack a bag while I sat on the bed crying, practically unable to move out of shock. They helped me back down to the car and over to they gas station. All my sisters, both sets of grandparents, my moms brother, and some of my dads siblings were all there. We all piled into two cars and drove down to Vegas. The only thing I remember about that whole car ride was staring out the window thinking "What are we going to do without mom? She paid all the bills. That's probably just one of the many things that we will have to take over. I can't believe this. Is it really true?"
We made it to the hospital pretty late. I don't remember the exact time but I know it was past 1am. We met a few more of my dads siblings there and we all went up to my dads room. Seeing him made everything finally hit me.

She was gone.

He just kept saying "I'm so sorry" over and over again. We all hung out in his room talking, getting all of our questions answered; what had happened, where did they take mom, what were his injuries and would he be ok, etc...
My parents had gone down to Vegas for my cousins baptism. After the baptism my mom wasn't feeling well so they decided to just go home. A little ways past Mesquite, on the other side of a little hill there was a garbage can sitting in the middle of the road. My parents were driving a Mercedes, which was too small to see the garbage can until it was too late. He swerved to miss it and lost control. He ran into the railing head on. The car flipped over itself then rolled down into a ravine. My mom always hated to wear her seat belt and this time was no exception. She was ejected from the car and killed almost immediately. My dad was wearing his seat belt, thats what saved his life. Once the car stopped he yanked the car door open and got out and laid on the ground. Some people that saw the accident stopped and ran down to help. They got to my dad and he immediately told them to go find his wife. It was almost dark by now so finding her would not be easy. They came back after what my dad said felt like forever and told him they couldn't find her. He told them not to worry about him and to not come back until they found her. They finally did find her, quite a ways away from the car. My dad asked if any of them were lds, luckily 1 one them was. He then asked him to give my mom a blessing. My dad said he knew almost immediately that she didn't make it. Once the cops, peramedics got there they put my dad on a stretcher and had to get him up to the road. It was such a steep incline that the men carrying the stretcher were slipping all over the place. Imagine being severely injured and then getting jerked around as they tried to get you to the ambulance. They got him to the top and decided to life light him to Vegas. My mom was taken straight to the Mojave coroners office.

the spot my moms body was found

 The railing they hit

After we got all our questions answered and knew that my dad was going to be all right, we decided we all needed at least a little bit of sleep. One of my aunts lived in Vegas at the time, so we planned to catch a few hours of sleep at her house. It took us about an hour to find her house, but we finally did and eventually fell asleep. We got up in the morning, went straight to the hospital to pick up my dad. He was being released that morning since there was nothing more they could do for his injuries (a broken collar bone and shoulder blade I believe, or something similar).
On our way home we stopped at the coroners office and the accident site. I think the car was still there, but I'm not sure. My memory on some of these things are a little fuzzy. It all seems to blur together a little.
The next week really feels like one big blur to me. We waited a week before we had the funeral so my dads family from Denmark could get here. I remember bits and pieces of things, like when we went to the funeral home to pick out the casket and make the other arrangements, when the bishopric and many other friends and family came over to visit, when my aunt came over with the Josh Groban CD with a song for us to listen to...etc. We had to wait until wed (the crash was on sat) for my moms body to be brought up from Mojave county to stg for us to see her. I remember getting out of the car at the funeral home and seeing my grandparents and aunts and uncles pull up. I was nervous. I had never gone through something like this before and I didn't know what to expect. Everyone that wanted to took a turn going into the room to see her and say goodbye. When my turn finally came I walked into the room and nervously walked up to the casket. She didn't look like herself. I could see her injuries and just cried.
We had a "celebration of her life" the day before the funeral. We all stood in a line right next to the casket to greet those that came. The room was filled with flowers that people had donated in her/our behalf. I remember being shocked to see so many different floral arrangements. After a while we just walked around and talked to people. It was slightly awkward. Most people didn't know what to say, and honestly, I didn't know what to say to them either. I couldn't wait for the night to be over.
The next morning was the funeral. We had a short viewing for close family and friends before hand, said a family prayer and then we all walked into the chapel in a line. My immediate family was wearing all white. To us it symbolized that we are an eternal family and that we would see our mom again. After the funeral we rode to the cemetary in a horse drawn carriage. My dad found a horse drawn hearse that our carriage followed. My mom loved horses, so it just felt appropriate. After us and the rest of our family that was in the limos, my aunt Britta, her daughter Rachel, and my moms good friend Lacey followed us on horse back. My moms favorite horse was saddled up with her favorite pink gear, but had no rider. He was being lead by Lacey.
At the cemetery some of us read letters that we wrote to my mom, they dedicated the grave, then we stayed until she was lowered into the ground.

Like I said, that week was a little bit of a blur and it's now been 5 years ago, so I'm hoping my details are accurate. I just realized I'd never written my experience down and I didn't want to forget it. I sure I'm missing so many details but this'll have to do.

Family pic at my moms grave 2009

This year was the first year my family didn't get together. My mother in law JaRene did go with me to the grave though. Which I appreciate so much. When I got home there was a dozen roses from Jon and my in laws. That was so thoughtful and helped make a sad day a little bit better. So thank you.

This year was a lot harder for me than last year was. Jon being gone played a major part in that. Missing them both was rough. At least Jon'll be back in a couple months. I'll see my mom again too, it just might be a little longer than a couple months ;)

Love and miss you mom